Kitty

kittygrrl1718 @ 2005-10-12T22:42:00

2005-10-13T02:48:52Z

I want to remember how I feel right now. Maybe I won't be able to but this feeling is so distinct that I feel I need to remember it. I feel extreme happiness, severe sadness, jealousy, awkwardness, and like things may never ever go my way.

I refuse to classify this post by giving it a subject

2005-09-05T21:26:09Z

Do I believe in soul mates? That is the question. Do I believe that there is 1 specific person out there that I am meant to be with for the rest of my life? What does that really mean? Does that mean that no matter what I do or how I fuck up that I will be with that person? Like, what are the stipulations on the idea of the "soul mate"? Do you always end up with your soul mate? Does the fact that they are your soul mate automatically mean that you will be with that person? I think I'm just going to be alone forever, personally. I think I've missed my soul mate. The way I feel right now I feel like I've missed him- like I've done something wrong and now I missed out and I'll never be with him. But maybe that's how things are supposed to turn out. I guess that is how things are supposed to turn out if that's how they turn out. Things happen for a reason, you know..... Maybe I'm just one of those sad sorry people who will always feel like they didn't live their life to the fullest and wonders what it would have been like if they didn't mess up. Then there's the age-old question for me which is does everything really turn out the way it was supposed to or have the things I have done messed up the ultimate plan and now things are a result of my actions? I know, I know... who fuckin cares? Just live life, whatever happens will happen and thinking and analyzing won't change what has happened and most likely won't change what will happen. So, the moral of today's story, kids, is live your life and don't be like Michelle and over-analyze.

I don't like subjects

2005-08-30T02:18:01Z

Close my eyes and move to the back of my mind
Where worries are washed out to sea
See the changes, people's faces blurred out
Like the sun spots or raindrops

Now all those feelings, those yesterdays feelings will all be lost in time
but today ive wasted away for today is on my mind

Left the only worries I had in my hands
Away from the light in my eyes
Holding tight and try not to hide how i feel

'Cause feelings mean nothing

All those feelings, those yesterdays feelings will all be lost in time
but today I've wasted away for today is on my mind (today is on my mind)

Now I can't care to worry
I'm feeling so lonely
Breaking apart all this love in my heart
Close my eyes and move to the back of my mind

Where feelings mean nothing

All those feelings, those yesterdays feelings will all be lost in time
But today I've wasted away, for today is on my mind

Now I can't care to worry
I'm feeling so lonely
breaking apart all this love in my heart

Oh and today I went to my psychology class and watched a really depressing video about a guy in Bolivia who believed he was possessed by spirits, thought his kids hated him, and then threw himself off a cliff. He was probably actually just senile but because he lived on the side of a mountain in Bolivia he had no idea that dimensia existed and so therefore thought he was possessed and killed himself. So, that was nice to end my night. Also, the idea of love vs. insanity came up. Love is a really touchy subject.... sometimes I think it will make me insane, between lack of it and improper direction of it. Oh, well. I think it's time to stop thinking today.

On second thought....

2005-08-26T23:54:55Z

I knew EXACTLY who I am and I don't like it. My mom says that 50% of people go to school for psychology because they want to be psychologists and the other 50% go because they are crazy and want to know about crazies..... I am rethinking my change to psychology as a major because maybe I'm the crazy one. I hate this feeling, this exact feeling that I have right now. I feel sad and alone and stupid and worthless and I don't want to feel anymore. Have you ever felt just like you want to feel nothing? I don't want to stay home but I don't want to go out, I don't want to watch TV but I don't want to not watch TV, I don't want to write anymore but I don't want to stop writing. This pretty much sucks. So, back to the notion of turning over a new leaf.... I think I need to find a whole nother tree, another forest, maybe another planet. How can I do that? I keep thinking maybe I'll feel better when I wake up tomorrow, but I felt like this yesterday and I don't feel better today. I'm tired of crying. My eyes are tired, my eye sockets are tired. I AM too introspective. I should just chill out and live life, seeing as how you only have one life so you may as well make the most of it. There is only one today, there is only this minute, this second, one time. So, what should I be doing right now to take advantage of this one present moment? I should be telling someone I love them, going through the process of solving world hunger, helping a homeless person, petting my cats, seeing if someone I know needs emotional support, etc, etc, etc. So what am I actually doing? Writing nonsense that no one cares about, listening to the Postal Service, watching my cats play, feeling sorry for myself. Why do I continue doing exactly what I keep trying not to do? Why does it seem as if I am completely not in control of my own emotions? I don't want to be me anymore. I want to be someone else. I want to change.... for so many reasons. I think I'm going to go now because I have a headache. Hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow.

kittygrrl1718 @ 2005-08-25T10:48:00

2005-08-25T14:50:20Z

Do you ever just really wonder who you are?

Noooooooo!!!!!!!!!

2005-08-22T05:09:48Z

Why the hell do I have to start going back to school already? I feel like I've only been out for a week.... oh, wait, that's right, it has only been a week. This sucks. I don't want to go anymore. No more. I want to bid school fucking adieu. (Thanks Dayne Cook for that one....) Thank him for lots of things; I don't think I've ever laughed that hard at one time in my life. Dude, what about how much I am jealous of people all the time? Sorry for jumping around but I am really a covetous person, and I think that's wrong. I am so jealous of people who have more than I do, are prettier than I am (not hard), or are in a happy relationship.... I'm just jealous all around. Sometimes I'm jealous of people who can do whatever they want and don't have to worry about what their parents will say.... ok that was really dorky, I sounded like a middle schooler or something. But that's how I feel so I am going to write it. I said it once and I'll say it again that writing something that could potentially be read by someone you don't know like in Thailand or something is very therapeutic. I don't know why. Once again, I am sitting up late at night doing all kinds of nonsense when I really should be sleeping. This happened last night too. Sometimes my mind is just doing too much and I find myself unable to rest. But no all-nighters allowed.... especially on the night before a new semester begins. When I was hanging with someone the other night (all parties will remain nameless) I realized that I am very jealous of that person. So put together, so good-looking, so funny..... I'm sounding so something not good right now, but whatever. I'm not like in love with this person or anything I just think they're really great and wish I could have some similar qualities to that person. Alas, I cannot.... I'm just boring, ordinary me. I'm bordinary me. Fuck that- fuck being bordinary. I'm turning over a new leaf, as of now, pronto, stat. This new leaf will be amazing it will be inspired it will be incredible it will be.... new, if you will. I will be new-leaf-y Michelle, not bordinary Michelle. All two of you that are reading this will not be disappointed. I will say, "Ta-da..... We're the Aristocrats". That will be what I will say. And you will say, "What the hell are you talking about? Are you out of your f-ing mind?" And I think you will know the answer..... I think I definitely need to sleep right now.

Is this sad?

2005-08-16T23:42:16Z

Is it sad that the highlight of my day is coming home to see my cat greeting me at the door? Nevermind, I think I know the answer to that question..... I feel like I have been working for about 3 days straight right now... well, at least I'm home. I really want to party this week since I only have this week off until school starts again next week. I want to stay out all night doing who even only knows what. And guess what else.... tomorrow I have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO. I don't think that's happened in a very long time, not even like on a sunday or something. I love it. If only I had a life..... just kidding. I am so ready to just relax this week. I have been way too stressed out- money issues, school issues, emotional issues.... I need a break. I need an f-ing break.

fuck the number 48

2005-08-16T01:22:59Z

You know why? Because that's what I got on my organic chemistry final. Yes, a 48%. Does anyone understand the extreme importance of that number? My entire career was just decided because of that number. I'm not exaggerating...... Because of that test grade I am not going to get into pharmacy school. Isn't that wonderful? I'm so happy I could shoot myself. Or maybe hang myself..... whatever works. Yeah, so pretty much if anyone has any ideas of what I could do for a living, please share. I want to do something easy but lucrative. Those are my only criteria. I seriously should have studied so much more than I did. I think one of the worst feelings is realizing after the fact what would have been a better decision and not being able to do anything about it. One of my coworkers told me that when she was in college and taking organic chemistry that one of her classmates slit his wrists because he did bad on his final and most likely wouldn't be able to get into medical school...... I think now I understand that feeling. I just feel like such a moron.... I spent so much time doing everything except studying and now look where it got me. I want to feel like I should do whatever I feel like doing, whether it's party, study, read all the time, collect figurines, whatever because you only live once; the only problem with that is I wonder always if I'm not using the "you only live once" as a license to just do whatever I want even though I know what I should really be doing. That probably only made sense in my head but whatever. My mom is all over my ass because of what I got on my final.... as if I don't have enough pressure internally, she has to add on to it..... I just wish I didn't care so much about what she thinks of me.... she uses that to get things from me, I think. I wish I didn't care so much about a lot of things. That would make life so much easier if I didn't. I don't want to be me right now.... I just want to cease to exist for like a day.... is that so much to ask?

tomorrow is the day.....

2005-08-13T23:02:03Z

.....of gwen and eric's wedding. i can't believe the day is actually here. it'd better not rain, not only for the obvious reason that it would probably ruin the wedding but also because i don't want my hair to get messed up. wow, that was selfish. anyways...... i am pretty excited but i know that i am definitely going to cry. a lot. i always cry at weddings because, first of all, they are really beautiful, and second of all, they always remind me that i'm alone and am probably never going to get married. i never even have dates to any of the weddings that i usually go to. (not that i go to that many). it's just a depressing thing for me, even though i am very happy for the couple involved. (usually). i know that gwen is going to look so beautiful in her wedding dress..... i think i want to get a wedding dress, just to wear it..... just kidding...... i am not at all excited about potentially seeing people i used to know from high school, though.... that's never fun. high school was so just not a good time in my life. i don't really want to reminisce about any part of it, actually, except for maybe just a few things. now i'm all bummed out...... what else is new? why can't reality just be real for a few minutes.... i know that sounds weird but it makes complete sense to me right now. my reality is so skewed right now that i don't even know which end is up. and what am i going to do without gweric for a whole like 2 weeks? i spent 6 years without them and yet now somehow i find it difficult to see spending even 6 days without them.... i guess that's just the way it is. wow, i am all over the place today. and right now i have to go clean so that my house will be clean when all the girls that are in the wedding stay over tonight... complete with pillowfights and pigtails..... no boys allowed!

I could really use a double cheeseburger right now....

2005-08-11T01:10:11Z

I am so stressed out!!!!! I don't know what's wrong with me that I can't seem to get it together..... I have known about my cumulative organic chemistry final that's on Friday since the beginning of the semester, but do you think that I've even begun studying yet? No! And I'm not even studying now because I'm too busy writing useless words on livejournal. I cannot get motivated to study no matter what I do. I think I need some form of hypnosis or something.... but then who knows what deep dark secrets might be revealed..... ok, so second thoughts on the hypnosis thing. I am so emotionally burned out right now. I just keep thinking about how things could have been.... maybe they wouldn't be any different at all. They probably wouldn't actually. Oh, who knows. That's neither here nor there. How can something make you feel so great and so crappy all at the same time? I guess that's the beauty of the human psyche... the ability to over-analyze and screw yourself up..... that is quite beautiful, isn't it? Yeah, I could go for some chicken nuggets, or maybe some french fries...... my mind is all over the place right now. And not at all on organic chemistry.... I guess I should really go forth and attempt to study......... I think I'll do that. I'll probably fail my test anyway, so who really cares?

Just thinkin.....

2005-08-08T04:25:56Z

How sometimes things are really hard. Sometimes I wonder why things had to turn out the way they are. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever feel again.... Sometimes, just sometimes, I wonder who I really am and what I'm really supposed to be doing right now. I decided to post the lyrics to this song because the song brings me really really nice memories of a pretty wonderful feeling that I wish I could bottle...... and I wouldn't even sell it, I'd just keep it forever.

The District Sleeps Alone Tonight
smeared black ink: your palms are sweaty
and I'm barely listening to last demands
I'm staring at the asphalt wondering what's buried underneath where I am

I'll wear my badge:
a vinyl sticker with big block letters adherent to my chest
that tells your new friends I am a visitor here:
I am not permanent

and the only thing keeping me dry is

you seem so out of context in this gaudy apartment complex
a stranger with your door key explaining that I am just visiting
and I am finally seeing why I was the one worth leaving

d.c. sleeps alone tonight

you seem so out of context in this gaudy apartment complex
a stranger with your door key explaining that I am just visiting
and I finally seeing why I was the one worth leaving
the district sleeps alone tonight after the bars turn out their lights
and send the autos swerving into the loneliest evening
and I am finally seeing why I was the one worth leaving

I don't believe in subjects.

2005-08-07T16:33:20Z

I do believe in feelings, though.

friends, amigos, compadres....

2005-08-02T00:56:09Z

I have been thinking about my friends a lot lately- you know, who they are, why I have them, why we like each other, etc. I also think that sometimes if you think about something too hard it doesn't make sense anymore, and that's never cool. I have been so incredibly self- aware lately that it's fucking with my head- like I notice if I'm not talking, my facial expressions, my breathing patterns, my body language, and I notice the same things about my friends and then I wonder what those things mean, if my friends are getting tired of me, if I'm not really anybody to be around or whatever... wow that's like the longest sentence ever.... anyway- my mom always told me that you will have plenty of acquaintances but you will be lucky if you can fill 1 hand with the number of friends you have.... and I really believe that. I feel sometimes that I am like a chameleon, like I just fly through life from thing to thing, always changing my interests, always changing what I talk like or sound like or whatever. Eric says it's because I'm diverse, but I don't know... I really feel like I still need to find my niche. I'm so moody lately that I'll love something one day and then hate it the next. I feel very alone and like I will never be able to find what I'm really looking for- especially since I really have no idea what that is. It's as if I just want to cease to exist; I don't want to go to school and I don't not want to go to school, I don't want to be a vet tech anymore, but I don't want to quit, I want friends and then I treat them like crap and all I ever talk about is how I'm feeling. I mean, is that really who I am? Someone who can only just have problems all the time or feel like I do and can never just talk about regular things and have regular feelings? I'm so extreme, I'm either incredibly happy or incredibly sad, and it's been incredibly sad recently. I mean, your friends aren't going to want to talk to you if all you ever do is bitch about why you're so sad, and there's absolutely no reason to be sad. That's just self-absorbed and very very frustrating. Not only do your friends not want you to be sad but they certainly don't want to hear about it 24/7. See, I did mention that I'm very self-aware lately.... I have decided that self-awareness can be your best friend and your worst enemy. Because I'm so aware of myself I very rarely say things that are hurtful to people, because I'm always thinking of the best way to say something. But then, I can end up not saying anything at all because I'm afraid I will sound stupid (which I usually do). Oh, my gosh- this is the longest entry ever and what have I said? A whole lot of nothing as usual. Well, I must go do homework.

this entry

2005-07-07T14:25:33Z

I wish I had something incredibly interesting to say, but I don't. I'm just happy my stupid test is over and I can relax a little this weekend (not that I worked that hard studying for it or anything). I really don't want to go to work today and listen to barking dogs, get bitten and scratched, and have to deal with all the gossip etc that personifies my working experience. I'm just happy now that I have such good friends to spend time with and relate to. I have spent so many days/nights by myself, feeling sorry for myself, wondering if anybody actually gave a shit about me (besides my mom). I remember checking my phone to see if it even worked because I hadn't had a call in so long. That sounds really pathetic but I'm putting it out into the universe (or at least the internet) as a form of therapy- sometimes just talking about it to no one can be enough to help you feel better.... Well, anyway, I am just babbling. I really don't have anything interesting to say today.

This time in my life

2005-07-04T05:01:25Z

I just wrote an entry about my boobies that will never be retrieved- and maybe this is for the better- who knows? I keep having to backspace because I can't type properly because I'm....... DRUNK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And I really like it. The only problem is that I have certain needs when I drink that are often not properly fulfilled- not that anyone should know that. Well, I think we're getting ready to play asshole now, so I can get more drunk- and I'm always that asshole anyway.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOBBBBBBBBIIIIIEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSS

2005-07-04T04:53:17Z

Your Boobies' Names Are: Love Muffins

Get your own Boobie Names

Interesting...

2003-01-12T23:41:27Z

Well, hypocrisy sucks. Some people just don't realize how stupid they are being. Oh, I matter, all right. It's ok. If I never see certain people again it will be too soon, I think. Or maybe I am speaking too soon. "Your time is gonna come... lying, CHEATING, hurting, that's all you seem to do...and one day, you'll look for me and baby, I'll be gone!" Or maybe you'll never look back and either way I guess I don't give a f&@%!

Today's the first day of the rest of my life

2003-01-07T14:48:46Z

I know that's a dumb saying, because every day is, really, but emotionally, today is that day. Today is my promotion day. Know how I know that? Because today is the end of the pay period, and I'm sure they are just waiting to finish out the pay period so that they can more easily change me over to....... veterinary nurse. This is very exciting. Pretty soon, I'll have my grooming license and I will be able to mobile groom on weekends and then groom two days a week at work. I'll be able to bring the clinic more money and then I'll be able to also make a lot more money for myself. The average groom is $40, and I'll be able to take home at least half of that home from every groom I do at work. If I'm up to 6 grooms a day, then I'll be adding a nice income to my already better salary. So, Jon calls me last night at 11:30 and asks me if I want to come over and watch a movie. What do we think I said? Common sense. So, anyway, I'm starting a new life pattern today and I'm ready.

Well...

2003-01-06T01:50:58Z

Well, now Jon has called me, which makes me feel much better. I was worried that I really had no friends anymore. And now everyone is going to know my livejournal name. But, no matter, I guess. Everything will be all right in the end. I cannot wait until tomorrow to see if my promotion is going to happen. I feel sorry for Desiree, but if she were a better worker this would not be happening anyway. I deserve what money I will be getting, I have deserved it for a long time, and now my patience is finally paying off. It feels good- just waking up and living life feels good. Sometimes it feels like the next minute will kill me, but somehow I am making it through. I feel empowered every moment that I am still standing. And Stephanie will be home soon, and we can move on with our lives. We can maybe get an apartment together and be girls and have fun. Maybe we'll go on a trip to the Bahamas or something. Anyway, my life will go on and I am better off without liars in my life anyway.

kittygrrl1718 @ 2003-01-02T23:18:00

2003-01-03T03:21:12Z

troubles, worries, doubts grab hold and strangle me.
you're my escape.
stay inside me, part of me, keep me alive - breathe for me, strengthen me.
a day without you has no boundaries, no beggining and no end.
it's an eternity of thoughts. all ending on the feeling of you.
missing you.
you laying next to me. sitting across from me. looking at me, drawing me with your mind.
your touch on my hand, the energy flowing between you and i.
your eyes smiling, warm and beautiful, soft and penetrating, loving and generous, caring and patient, vivrant and fun-loving.
how did you become such a critical part of everything me?
my mind is wrapped around you, centered on you day and night, in my dreams.
say you'll always stay, no matter where we end up.
say i'm the only one.
mean it.
i have no shame resting in your arms through troubles, showing you my vounerabilities.
you're my safety, my comfort, my warmth.
what could i offer you that would in some way reciprocate all you are to me?
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Chrissy, I want the whole world to know how much I love you, with every little particle that makes up "me". i really don't know what else to say. expressing the feelings i have for you is difficult because of the depth and fullness of them. you give me everything i could've ever ask for in a woman. love, acceptance, kindness, clarity, assurance, hope, commitment, honesty, stability, dependablilty, peace, and so much more. i'm so grateful for you and the fact that you've given me your love.

Oh, my God! That's all I have to say. How quickly things change. Where was he on December 17th, Chrissy? Ask him that. Oh, he loves you so much. Just wait and see.

Better

2003-01-03T03:14:26Z

Well, life just may become more bearable. I'm struggling with telling someone something that I think they should know but it might make someone else mad at me. What to do, what to do. Well, you know, things will find themselves out and everyone will get what's going on. No big deal, I guess. I just feel like my heart has been ripped out and I wish that would have happened. Well, anyway, I will get my promotion soon and I will be making more money and will feel better about myself. I have been waiting for this moment for a long time, and now it's finally happening, and guess what? I have noone to share it with. I'm by myself and I guess I deserve it. Well, at least some of us in life are having fun, even if it is empty temporary fun. We'll see.

Just checking

2002-12-30T02:50:27Z

I'm just trying to figure out how this works. This is a test post.

Sad

2002-12-30T02:41:43Z

I think it's really sad when you think you know someone and then it turns out you don't. Of all people, you would think that I would be the one that would need truth from men the most, and I get it the least. I just feel so stupid. When he told me that he loved me and that I was beautiful and that he loved me and didn't love her, he was just lying to get what he wanted. And you know what's funny? What's funny is that every time it happened I called him on it and he denied it, even though I was totally right on. I can't believe I was dumb enough to actually believe him when he said what he did, because he certainly wasn't backing up his words with his actions. I just trusted him, and truly believed him when he told me I was worth it and that I was beautiful and sexy, and that helped establish me. Now I find out it was all a lie and I just don't know what to say. Now I know that what I've always thought about myself is actually true. Good to know. I am sufficiently depressed now.